Last Mile: Va-Va-Va Vista

Top 11 Features Proposed (but rejected) for Windows Vista

11) Pop-up browser window asks, "Does your mother know you're here?"

10) New start-up sound: "Kneel before Vista!"

9) Shortcut key provides faster path to blue screen of death

8) "Clippy" replaced by new mascot: Foghorn Longhorn7) All video game characters transformed to look like Bill Gates

6) "Code corrector" changes all Windows apps to Linux

5) Punching bag inflates immediately upon system crash

4) Automatic ordering system purchases all new Microsoft products--whether you want them or not

3) Loudly sings "la la la la" to drown out illegally downloaded music2) Hostility detector enables PC to put itself up on eBay if user seems angry at it

1) Out-of-the-box system crash eliminates need to wait until a month after purchase

Special thanks to our wacky product designers--Nick DelGuidice, Daniel P. Dern, James Grant, Gregory Mamayek, Paul Schindler, Rob Trimarco--for their warped suggestions. Now go back to the ward, guys--it's time for your medication.

Are You a True Trekker?

»Oh sure, you've got the books, the DVDs, the screensavers and every Star Trek computer game. But do you have an actual piece of any of the cast members? Last month, William Shatner--yes, Capt. Kirk himself--took bids for a kidney stone he recently had removed. The winning bidder was GoldenPalace.com, an online casino that maintains a collection of unusual objects, including several toasted cheese sandwiches said to resemble the Virgin Mary. Shatner's stone fetched $25,000, which he'll donate to Habitat for Humanity. GoldenPalace.com initially offered only $15,000, but the celeb declined, noting that some of his Star Trek tunics have sold for more than $100,000. Way to stick to your phasers, Jim.Shiver Your Timbers

»What would you get if you crossed a computer genius with Long John Silver? We're not sure, but we bet he'd like this new pirate's treasure chest from QBox, the Japanese computer novelty maker. Equipped with a USB connector, the chest can only be opened by typing a password into a PC, which lifts the lid and reveals your treasures against an ocean-blue backlight. One small hitch: The software that runs the treasure chest is available only in Japanese. Time to take a language course, mateys.

LOL

Have a IT-related Chuckle you want to share? Spotted some strange tech? Want to contribute to the latest Top 11 List? Drop on by the Last Mile Repository!0