Admin Training Course From Hell

5) You realize the only other person in the room could be mistaken for a first grader

4) "I don't know what an em-em-cee is, but if you would open the Services control panel ..."

3) There's a photomosaic of Bill Gates' 1977 mugshot on the front of the training manual

2) Whether it's the aroma of stale sweat or the instructor's dirty "Carpe Noctum" T-shirt, nothing can erase the omnipresent miasma of wrongness pervading the room

1) Course requirements include a nontechnical degree, your most recent neural scan and a regulation bicycle helmetSpecial thanks to Robby Ambler, Steven Barger, Steven Grafing, Gary Hoke, A. Levin, Gregory Mamayek, Steve Matheson, Wayne Maurer, Jeff Murdoch, Christopher J. Turvey and L. Wilbanks for their submissions. see the complete list of reader submissions here.

Reason No. 3275 why geeks are misunderstood by the rest of the world: There's no way to verbally differentiate between soap and SOAP.

From: Wellcare Soap [mailto:someone@ somedomain.com]

Sent: Monday, December 06, 2004 10:03 AM

To: [email protected]: Soap/Savon/Jabon/Sabao

Dear Sirs,

We got via the internet the information that you are in the soap business. We are a German soap producer and are searching for new clients, so we would like to use the chance and offer to you our creme soap as follow:

Creme Soap/150 grms/EUR 0,23 per pcs/FOB Hamburg, Germany

If this would be intressted for you, it would be our pleasure to send You full offer with photos etc.If you have question pls don't hestiate to contact us.

Looking forward to hear from you we remain, with kind regards,

Sven

(There's nothing like a smooth, oil-free fragrance to improve your Web-services solution.)

We all receive e-mail that makes us angry, and we strive to reply in a professional and courteous manner. But is that healthy? A better solution, according to online performance artist Ze Frank, is to use a simple punctuation substitution scheme.So, write your gentle replies and rest easy in the knowledge that you've stood your ground, even if you're the only one who knows it. Not convinced?

"Well, we can certainly understand your skepticism. And we look forward to any opportunity to prove the value of this method--sound ok? :)"

Take Ze's passive-aggressive training course yourself.

Andrew Lerner
Chapter 2 of the training course's manual is entitled "Fun with Config.sys and Autoexec.bat"

Howie [email protected]
The training about Outlook Express won't work because it's overloaded due to too many messages that say "Your mailbox is over it's size limit" !!!!Bill Orr
Half of the course curriculum is centered around the various methods you can use to reboot Windows servers.

Gary Hoke

Instructor walks into class wearing a black T-shirt with a penguin on it.

Gary Hoke
Door prizes including stuffed penquins and free copies of Linux

Gary Hoke
RHCE appears after the instructor's name on his business card.

Brian Giordano
OK class, the Start button is located in the lower left corner of your screen. Does everyone see where the Start button is?Mark Stacy
"Instead of using the computer, we have this five hundred page handout full of Windows 98 screenshots. We'll tell you what's changed."

gregory mamayek
~ There's a skillet & camera in the room, & the announcer states, "Don't do LCD!"
Oh sorry, wrong commercial.
I meant, "Break free from hierarchy. Windows isBill's brain child. Feel free to think."
Just then, the Gatestoppos break down the classroom door & drag the announcer out.
In pops Steve Ballmer with his mesmerizing 'forgot all he said' dance.
You do, then he makes everybody MCSEs & everybody lives happily ever after.

Disclaimer: This is just a figment of nobody's imagination.

Tim Whitman
Hello folks. My name is Larry Ellison and I will be your instructor today. First, please note that Oracle will be shipping Windows in 2005.

Mike Gallets
First, pickup your bucket and squeegee.

Gary Hoke
Instructor recommends that to easily remember your passwords write them on a sticky note and attach them to the side of your monitor.Gary Hoke

While demoing IIS the instructor shows you how he setup his virtual directories for his adult porn site.

Gary Hoke
You spend the entire first day installing service packs on your training system.

Gary Hoke
During the entire presentation a scrolling ticker at the top of the screen keeps you updated on Microsoft's stock price... MSFT 28 3/8...

Gary Hoke
Instructor says 'If you have to use FDisk it means your disk is Fu

Gary Hoke
Your test environment consists of Windows 2000 running on VMWare which is installed on a Linux box.Gary Hoke
Installation guide is created using cropped images from a Microsoft Press PDF file instead of actual screenshots.

Gary Hoke
We have prepared a special DVD containing all 219 service packs and security patches. It can be purchased for $99 at the end of the day.

Gary Hoke
The welcome sound on the trainer's PC is a cash register ringing.

Gary Hoke
The grey haired instructor keeps referring to "Ctrl-Alt-Del" as the "3 Finger Dance".

Gary Hoke

To get more servers licenses all you need to do is make a copy the installation CD for each server you are installing the OS on.Gary Hoke
For those of you with WiFi our access point password is 'password'.

Gary Hoke
Welcome to Install Service Packs 201. Over the next 3 days we will discuss...

Steven Grafing

The instructor is dating your ex, the "server" is a refurbed K-Mart POS terminal, and the fella on your right is only wearing dirty scivvies and a smile (and he just stopped smiling).

Steven Grafing

Icebreaker? Macaroni art. 'Nuff said.

Steven Grafing

Whether it's the rank aroma of stale sweat or the instructor's dirty "Carpe Noctum" t-shirt, nothing can erase the omnipresent miasma of wrongness pervading the room.

Steven Grafing

The first class exercise is to build a Faraday cage out of discarded server parts because "Bill and Steve are watching".David Korte
All the training workstations are running Windows ME.

gregory mamayek
~ Your instructor is the dominatrix from the porn site you visit. OUCH!

John Patrick
The instructor starts by explaining what a mouse is and how you use it.

The instructor brings in a stack of punch cards for demonstration.

The instructor attempts to feed paper tape into the CD drive.Michael Donodeo
Welcome everyone! Our gust speaker today will be Steve Jobs.

Christopher J Turvey
Trainer says, "Turn to page 179 of 'The Necronomicon' and recite the following...".

Christopher J Turvey

Trainer says, "To fully understand Active Directory Forests please turn to page 179 of 'The Necronomicon' and recite the following...".

L Wilbanks
1. When the course instructor asks for donations to buy food for the gerbils powering the servers...
2. You walk in the door and the only other person in the room could be mistaken for a first grader.

Brian Yerk
The instructor keeps referring you to the best testprep software to use for the certification tests....Steven Barger
There is a photomosaic of Bill Gates' 1977 mugshot on front of the training manual.

Steven Barger

You access the training material by hacking through an IE exploit.

Steven Barger
The instructor passes out red hats.

George McColl
Students, be ready to sign in as soon as the seerver reboots.

George McColl
Students, be ready to sign in as soon as the server reboots.David Forney

Windows XP collapses to BSoD in the first minute.

The instructors Powerpoint portions are from the canned templates included with the program.

Your instructor has legally changed all the a's in his name to @'s

David Forney
Instructor begins with quote from BoFH.David Forney
Instructor begins with quote from BoFH.

Steven Grafing
"Oh sweet Jesus - the pain, the pain!!"

Steven Grafing

You spend the entire class thinking up responses to NWC's "Top 11 reasons not to shove a USB memory in your left nostril".

Steven Grafing

Training?!? What the he** is that?Steven Grafing
The servers on the test network are all named after various rashes and skin conditions except for the enigmatically-named firewall, "Bob".

Steven Grafing

Somewhere between the instructor picking his nose and the projector catching on fire you began to lust for sweet, sweet oblivion. And an extra large mocha.

Steven Grafing

The big big banner in front reads "Miscosoft Oficial Training Here!" and you didn't notice it until the morning break.Steven Grafing

You mean that there are actually GOOD Windows admin training classes??

Steven Grafing

Somewhere between the show toons in the lobby and the donuts with sparkling jimmies you realize that the training facility doubles as a beauty parlor.

Steven Grafing
The inescapable miasma of despair that permeates the training room with a sentient awareness seems to desperately want to give you a wet willy.

Steven Grafing

The course is preceded by a good touch/bad touch discussion

Steven Grafing

Hand puppets!Steven Grafing

The instuctor keeps quietly repeating "Dude, yer gettin' a Dell" under her breath with a disturbing chuckle.

Steven Grafing

Instructor has you test recovering from a RAID failure by rescuing his resume.

Steven Grafing
Instructor nervously references "Admin Training for Dummies" every five minutes.

Steven Grafing

Are those MCSE ID cards in the vending machine?

Rich Roberts

When you see a overhead projector and a 20" stack of transparencies.Lynda Thompson

During the course, your computer crashes (what a surprise) and the instructor hands you a DOS Boot disk to recover.

Steve Harvey

1. Course starts at 9, first break is at 9:10.

2. Trainer keeps repeating "No. 5 is alive..."
3. "You WILL migrate or you will perish"
4. VB scripts were changed to Javascript
5. Trainer moves class outside so he can really hug a tree in the forest

David W. Rice
Half way through someone stands up and shouts "DCPROMO this! I am leaving".Mark Jass
At the beginning of class, the instructor tells everyone to turn on their lab PCs and type "WIN" at the C: prompt.

Jeff Brittain
Good morning and welcome to Linux 101 . . .

Yiftach Levy
Instructor begins every example with, "The way we did it at Enron was..."

Darren Mullenix
There are no computers to be seen in the room. Or worse yet, the only computer in the room is a Mac sitting on the instructor's desk.

John Vaughan

They're teaching from XP Home Edition.Princy Mehta
The instructor makes you perform finger strengthening exercises so that you can give Windows the 3-finger salute (Ctrl-Alt-Del) frequently and easily without getting carpal tunnel syndrome.

Tom Bissett
Trainer uses Windex in attempt to fix Blue Screen of Death

Robby Ambler

Instructor: "Ok, open up the terminal thingy and we'll write our first bats file."

David G. Miller
Course prerequisite: you must have a system with a 5.25 inch floppy drive so you can install Windows/386.

Jim Kiley
11. You walk through a metal detector and are padded down on the way into the room.
10. The instructor has an eye-seeing dog.

9. Your mouse has only one button on it.

8. All monitors are monochrome green.

7. The lights dim in the room when you power up the server.

6. Your server boots up into Windows 95 (at least it's version B)
5. You login by pressing

4. First subject is on IPX/SPX

3. The instructor's baby is in a playpen in the back of the room.

2. The guy sitting next to you thinks Microsoft is a condition cured by
Viagra.

1. You are handed an AOL keychain when you leave.
Robert St John

Your trainer breaks out a bottle of Windex, to take care of Windows correctly.

Robert St John
The instructor always wears a sweater, and says his idol is Mr. Rogers.

wayne maurer
- Comes in wearing a giant purple dinosaur suit.
- He tries to rhyme all the time.
- The first slide up is the Blue Screen of Death and it wasn't part of the presentation.
- Pictures of Steve Balmer adorn the classroom walls.

- Starts off by saying "The last time I taught this course we were rolling out Windows for Workgroups - but I'm sure there aren't too many differences"

A Levin

"Sorry, Jane, I don't know what an em-em-cee is, but if you would just open the Services control panel..."Dave Weise

Your instructor spends half of the week long class letting you know that he wrote the book we are using in the class, and the second half of the class informing you where and how you can get copies of his other titles.

Ty Hunt

You walk away with no additional training, and a handfull of linux stickers...

Robert Prince
Your teacher is Mr. Hat and the dummy attached to it from SouthPark

Doug Cruise

Your instructer comes to class in a brown shirt with a green foresters hat and ask if you know the difference between a forest,a tree and a shrub.

Jim Lambright

The two back rows are filled with Black Suits and sunglasses claiming to be from the office of Homeland Security, but look like MIB Agents.Nick NIelsen

Windows Help tops the MRU list on the instructor's WinXP Start menu.
Trainer introduces himself, then starts the class: "I don't know how I got here or what I'm supposed to be doing..." (this actually happened!)

Terry E Snyder Jr

Computer lab filled with Apple G4's.

Nathan W. Gray
On the first day of class the instructor asks if anyone has an "extra" copy of Server 2000.

clyde mcmurdy
When the presentation crashes and the Linux bootloader pops upKen Graham

Your instructor begins every discussion with, "When I was a Linux system admin...".

Orion Thrower
You know you're at a bad Windows Admin training course when the instructor opens the nearest window when you ask how to open Windows.

Steve Matheson
- Repeated claims of "this is sooo much easier on a Mac".
- Each lecture begins with an apology if material is repeated, as the instructor has recently suffered from amnesia. (This actually happened in of my courses.)
- Each PowerPoint slide is followed by a system reboot.
- Say... isn't that my old shop teacher from high school?

Mike Harris
Each mouse click is accompanied by a sucking sound.Erich Huemoeller

"Bueller, ... Bueller, ... Bueller"

Erich Huemoeller
The instructor starts out with "Everybody got their floppys?"

Mike Moran
"Self-sufficient users are less trouble, so make the all members of the Administrators group."

Bob Vandenberg

Hand puppets, crayons and construction paper for notes, and the course is entitled "DOS, the wonder OS."

Steve Bruhn
The 'State of the art' training facility turns out to be the basement of a biker bar.....
Cockroaches (or rats, or large, mutant centipede)are holding your trainer for ransom....
Trainer is having problems installing Windows on Apple II systems.0