Last Mile: Smiles Everyone, Smiles (Or Else)

Top 11 Worst Ways To Motivate Your IT Staff

11) Give them free PCs--to be kept at the office

10) Install Web cams on every computer as a friendly reminder that Big Brother is watching

9) Hand out free bags of microwave popcorn instead of holiday bonuses8) Hire Ricardo Montalban to greet your IT staff--"Smiles, everyone! Smiles!"

7) Move the annual staff picnic to Target's Outdoor Furniture Center

6) Give elevator passes to high performers. Make everyone else use the stairs

5) Offer an all-expenses-paid trip to a branch office to roll out 2,500 PCs

4) Retain top staff by clapping them in leg irons3) Adorn the data center with aroma- therapy candles and potpourri

2) Sneak up on IT staff and yell "You're fired!" in your best Donald Trump voice. Then pat them on the back and say "Just kidding"

1) Have your new BMW dropped off in front of the office. Tell employees they can look, but not touch

Special thanks to our motivational speakers--Richard Bell, Tom Flynn, Gary Griffith, George Halston, Gregory Mamayet, Steve Roche, Rick Toft, Joe Walston--for lifting our spirits. You also could've suggested cutting pensions while raising executive pay, but that's fact, not fiction.

IT Ailments Diagnosed

IT professionals know how to deal with technological hazards--an incorrectly programmed application, a misconfigured server--but what about health hazards? A programmer turned physician has outlined four ailments common to the techies he treats: poor sleep, headaches, back pain (see story below for a cure!) and short attention span.

The No. 1 compliant is insomnia. And what do IT types do when they can't sleep? They reach for the laptop, which is a mistake, because working at the computer stimulates the brain, making it even harder to drift off. The doctor's prescription: use your bed only for sleep and sex. That's medicine we can all stomach.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

Does your IT staff complain when asked to lug equipment? Do you want to reduce the expense and lost productivity due to on-the-job injuries sustained from heavy lifting? Then consider funding the Hybrid Assistive Limb (HAL) robotic exoskeleton. Developed at the University of Tsukuba in Japan, the exoskeleton can reportedly help a person lift an additional 100 to 180 kilograms (approximately 220 to 396 pounds). A Japanese mountaineer plans to test the exoskeleton by wearing it as he climbs a mountain carrying another person. We wish him luck (and hope he has a good chiropractor).