Last Mile: Weekend at Bernie's Big House

11) The only thing Bernie can cook is the books

10) Bernie doesn't have a kitchen knife to ward off overly friendly cell mates

9) The guards won't let Bernie make long-distance calls

8) Lack of cleavage makes it hard for Bernie to steal spices from the kitchen

7) Bernie's creative stock-selling skills not useful for selling the prison lunch special6) Martha's "Caged Heat" Webcam much more interesting than "Bernie's Friends"

5) Martha returned to viable company; Bernie will be too old to get a job as megastore greeter when he gets out

4) After paying restitution, Bernie will have to trade "services" for cigarettes

3) Ex-employees convicted with Bernie will now order him around on the chain gang

2) Bernie's cell mate "Vinny" angry about too many telemarketing calls from MCI1) No reality TV show is in the offing for Bernie, so cellmates won't be kissing up to him

Special thanks to Kevin Barrer, Robert Foster, Ken Graham, Gary Hoke, David Joachim, Gregory Mamayek, Ronald Peterson and Peter Stern for their inspired suggestions, which had to be smuggled out in the laundry. Now let's start digging that tunnel before the screws come back for inspection!

Already had your lunch? Well, maybe it's time for a virtual meal! Check out the new flash game "Feed the IT Guy." Here's how you play: You're the IT guy sitting at the desk. When you eat food or wipe out bugs, you get energy. When the boss comes over, your energy is sapped. If you can kill enough bugs and swallow enough pizza, coffee and doughnuts, you get to live and make money. If you fail to eat or to kill enough bugs--or if the boss sucks up all your energy--the server crashes and you die. Cool, huh? That is, unless you find it hauntingly similar to your actual life.

Lissen up, Brah: If you wanna be the Big Kahuna around your office, you should meet the Big Tiki Drive. Sacrifice a few pineapples to this little Menehune as his red eyes glow and his green aura blinks while he reads and writes your data. Don't let his four-inch height fool you--he's portable, USB 2.0-certified for fast data transfers and backward-compatible with USB 1.1.

(Hawaiian terms compliments of www.hawaiiscubadiving.com)

LOL

Have a IT-related Chuckle you want to share? Spotted some strange tech? Want to contribute to the latest Top 11 List? Drop on by the Last Mile Repository!