Will Network for Food

Our next software upgrade includes an eraser. -- Linda Fennell

"You" are the I.T. department and you are instructed by the CIO to terminate all employee e-mail accounts. -- Gary VanHorn

Times are tough when one IT professional says, "Boy, am I getting a lot of spam", and someone in another cube replies, "Great! I'm trying to save on going out for lunch." -- Craig Kensek

The mail team starts charging individuals for each email they send. -- Scot Templeton

IT comes to your desk asking for the 286 PC you are still using to become the new company web server. -- Scot Templeton

Each IT person is responsible for ~1000 systems... no, wait... that's normal. -- Scot Templeton

Standard help desk wait time is 2 days... if you get off the line, you start over again. -- Scot Templeton

Networks are reverted to 10Base2 Coax LANS to save money on hubs and switches. -- Scot Templeton

Everyone who knew anything about a critical application is laid off and replaced by one person who only knows Pascal. -- Scot Templeton

IT is finding new ways to generate income such as selling the new systems on eBay as applications get moved back onto the systems from they were just moved off because they were obsolete 5 years ago. -- Scot Templeton

IT starts hosting porn sites on "under utilized servers" and asks for "volunteers" to help the company's "bottom line". -- Scot Templeton

Even UNIX administrators are being laid off. -- Scot Templeton

You overhear IT people talking about looking for a job with Microsoft. -- Scot Templeton

What brilliant designer engineered and what executives agreed to the fact that: The only way to change from using the onboard video chip option is changed through the BIOS. How do you navigate your BIOS if you can't see it?. -- Andrew korunes

Oh that was yesterdays budget, today you get half. -- parks fields

Can't dial into the network from home anymore because company sold the modems and server. -- Steven Estrada

Help Desk calls are answered by the CIO. -- Glenn Petrucci

I can get almost all my work done and have time for important projects. -- Bill Shroyer

Upgrades for everyone! These e-machines are NEVER obsolete! -- Dan Wagner

"We're sorry to interrupt your ACCESS database, but it's interfering with our JezzBall Tourney". -- Keny Drescher

To eliminate downtime due to travel, end-user computers come to you, you don't go to them. -- Nick Nielsen

Instead of an email upgrade, the boss hands out packages of post-it notes. -- Phyllis Palmer

Even the analysts from India cost too much. Now you have to go to China, etc. -- Dan Kwitchen

Beg for upgraded disk space on the server, IT Budget Tsar asks "Do you have an MFM or RLL interface available?" -- Bill Ward

Ask for a new RAID unit, get a case of bug spray. -- Bill Ward

"Why don't we upgrade the server to a Pentium Pro? After all, it's a professional version of a Pentium. We can get it in 2.33 GHz speeds! And everything I've seen says we can get them cheap!" - CFO, April 27, 2003 (for those not in the know, the Pentium Pro came up to 233 MHz speeds, and is LONG obsolete). -- Bill Ward

PC refresh rate is directly tied to layoffs. -- Steve Hale

The new 'tech' in the IT department is Judy from the Mail room, because she knows how to 'un-jam' the printer. -- Norma

Preventive maintenance means a sign that reads "Don't touch it, you'll break it". -- Norma

Now, let's see. What did I do with that super glue? -- Darcy Jojola

You have to buy your own batteries for your pager!! No local phone calls for YOU!! -- Cathy Crist

I would like to see porn sites be required to list their sites as a (.adu) site. That way we could block .adu sites. What do you think? -- Coy cates

"New payroll deduction: $10/week fee to get new week's password." -- Miles O'Neal

Overheard in break room: "The new guy got a ZX-81, and I'm stuck with a ZX-80!" -- Miles O'Neal

My project needs a terabyte of disk space; they sent over four pallets of DSDD 8" floppies... -- Miles O'Neal

OOPS - that had typos, should be: The navy has hot bunking, we have hot keyboarding. -- Miles O'Neal

Due to budget cuts, we will only allocate one user ID per three employees. -- Miles O'Neal

When you leave a job, and come back 2.5 years later and everything is the same. No.. I mean the same pcs I bought in 98.. Win95, 64MB RAM. -- Ryan P. Robe

Complains that the copier's glass is "a mite warm for comfort". -- Jeff Murdoch

Your investigating new ways to use old 286 computers as a server. -- John Bullinger

Your boss says you need to reduce spending after you just bought a $.05 blank cd. -- John Bullinger

You come home from work and your wife thinks your a door to door salesman. -- John Bullinger

IT Staff are forced to double up as janitors to save costs. "Hello, I'm here to do your windows and empty your recycle bin, and then do your windows and empty out your trash". -- Steve Hay

"Hmmmmmm what's this do??....oops". -- Mike Wiles

You volunteered to be the coffee person just to keep your job. -- Ihaab Dais

Based on your rough treatment of mobile devices and our enterprise cost-cutting initiative, we have some good news and some bad. The good news is we've got mobile computing that's right for you. The bad news is, it's an Etch-a-Sketch. -- Chris Snell

The temps. productivity has slacked off, so they will avoid being asked to hire-on with the company. -- Tracy LaGrange

Your CIO is interviewing with WorldCom. -- Chris Malone

You have to provide the new accounting person with a Pentium 133 desktop connected to a 10mbps Hub. -- Stephen Walker

I hear they're talking about replacing our e-mail server with tin cans on strings. But they're going to use big cans in order to try to preserve the bandwidth. -- Sue Long

You find a copy of your boss' resume in the printer. -- Guy Bass

Your new application generator software turns out to be "shareware". -- Guy Bass

Computer terminals are installed in the outdoor smoking area. -- Guy Bass

Your team meetings are moved to McDonalds' playroom. -- Guy Bass

Donuts are provided at your team meeting - for $1.25 each. Coffee is $5. -- Guy Bass

Donuts and coffee are required or a $10 cover charge is levied. -- Guy Bass

You are required to use both sides of "post-it" notes before discarding them. -- Guy Bass

Your new job description includes parking cars between projects. -- Guy Bass

Your head-hunter gives you his new phone number and it is in the "911" area code. -- Guy Bass

Your new CIO asks "What does "IT" stand for?" -- Guy Bass

Manager takes back your 2% Bonus and says we are still over budget. -- Chris Goodis

Mainframe is more important that Network. -- Chris Goodis

The IT Manager is actually working instead of reading Network Computing. -- Chris Goodis

VOIP is still bleeding edge technology. -- Chris Goodis

Your Boss is younger than you and you know more than him. -- Chris Goodis

Why can't I have Win2003 server to just play with it? -- Chris Goodis

Mailroom delivery is faster than e-mail delivery. -- Chris Goodis

Still using a 9x product. -- Chris Goodis

You are thinking of transferring to the Mailroom. -- Chris Goodis

There is no such thing as ROI. -- Chris Goodis

Your new boss came from the Mailroom. -- Chris Goodis

Your new desktop equipment just came in. You typewriter and Etch-a-sketch will replace your desktop and laptop respectively. Have a nice day. -- Robert St John

"We've cut costs on wiring by implementing a GOPHER infrastructure -- just tie your floppy disks around the little guy's neck and tell him to run to whoever's needing your files." -- The Dave

"We got a killer deal on refurbished first generation iMacs for our marketing department!" -- possibly spoken by a tech support engineer who'll inevitably end up buried alive in a bond blue colored casket. -- The Dave

Now, reading "Dilbert" makes you sob uncontrollably. -- Richard Tjoa