Naming Your Network, or "Who's Online"

(Text courtesy of the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum: Cooperstown, NY)

Systems Analyst: You know all the network components. Tell me their names.
Manager:They give servers now-a-days very peculiar names.
Analyst: You mean funny names?

Manager: Well, let's see, we have by segment number, Who's on the first segment, What's on the second I Don't Know is on the third...
Analyst: That's what I want to find out
Manager: Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Analyst: Well then who's on the first segment?

Manager: Who
Analyst: The server on first
Manager: Who
Analyst: The server on first
Manager: Who is on first!

Analyst:I'm asking you who's on first
Manager: That's the server's name
Analyst: That's who's name?
Manager: That's it.
Analyst: That's who?
Manager: Yes
Analyst: Do you have a server on segment one?
Manager: Certainly
Analyst: Who's networking the first segment?

Manager: That's right
Analyst: When you do an audit on the server who gets the log?
Manager: Every byte of it
Analyst: What is the server's name on the first segment?

Manager: Who
Analyst: Who gets the log...
Manager: Sometimes the backup server gets the log
Analyst: Who's backup?
Manager: Yes

Analyst:When the server went online, how did it register its name?
Manager: Who
Analyst: The server
Manager: Who. That's how it was registered

Analyst: Who?
Manager: Yes
Analyst: What is the server's name on first segment?
Manager: No. What is on second segment.
Analyst: I'm not asking you who's on second
Manager: Who's on first
Analyst: I'm not changing nobody!
Manager: Take it easy
Analyst: Who's the server on the first segment?

Manager: That's right
Analyst: What's the server's name on first segment?
Manager: No. What is on second.
Analyst:I'm not asking you who's on second
Manager: Who's on first

Analyst: I don't know
Manager: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
Analyst: How did I get on the third segment?
Manager: You mentioned the name!

Analyst: If I mentioned the server's name, who did I say is on the third segment?
Manager: No. Who's on first
Analyst: What's on first?
Manager: What's on second
Analyst: I don't know

Manager: He's on third
Analyst: There I go, back on third again!
Analyst: Would you just stay on third segment?
Manager: What do you want to know?
Analyst: Who's on the third segment?
Manager: Why do you insist on putting Who on the third segment?
Analyst: What am I putting on third?
Manager: No. What is on second.
Analyst: You don't want Who on second?

Manager: Who is on first
Analyst: I don't know
Together: Third segment!

Analyst: Do you have a print server?
Manager: Sure

Analyst: The print server's name?
Manager: Why
Analyst: I just thought I'd ask you
Manager: I just thought I'd tell you

Analyst: What's the print server's name?
Manager: No. What is on second.
Analyst: I'm not asking you who's on second
Manager: Who's on first!
Analyst: I don't know

Together: Third segment!

Analyst: The print server's name?
Manager: Why
Analyst: Because
Manager: That's our Web server
Analyst:Do you have a file server on this network?
Manager: Sure
Analyst: The file server's name?
Manager: Tomorrow.

Analyst: You don't want to tell me today?
Manager: I'm telling you now
Analyst: Then go ahead
Manager: Tomorrow!

Analyst: What time?
Manager: What time what?
Analyst: What time tomorrow will you tell me who is the file server?
Manager: Who is not a file server.
Analyst: I'll break your arm if you say Who's on first!!!

Manager: What's on second
Analyst: I don't know
Together: Third segment!

Analyst: Do you have a database server?

Manager: Certainly
Analyst: The database server's name?
Manager: Today
Analyst: Today and tomorrow's a file server?
Manager: Now you've got it
Analyst: All we got is a couple of days on the network.
Analyst:You know, I do database work too
Manager: So they tell me
Analyst: Suppose I turn on my workstation and do some fancy coding. Tomorrow serves files and a Power User logs on. Now the Power User makes too large a request. When he accesses a file, me, being a good administrator, I pass the Process ID to the first segment so I pass it to Who.

Manager: Now that's the first thing you've said right
Analyst: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
Manager: That's all you have to do
Analyst: Pass the ID to the first segment?
Manager: Yes!

Analyst: Now Who's got it?
Manager: Naturally
Analyst: If I pass it to first segment, now Who has it?
Manager: Naturally

Analyst: Who?
Manager: Naturally
Analyst: Naturally?
Manager: Naturally
Analyst: So I get it and pass it to Naturally

Manager: No, you pass it to Who
Analyst: Naturally
Manager: That's different
Analyst: That's what I said
Manager: You're not saying it...
Analyst: I pass it to Naturally
Manager: You pass it to Who
Analyst: Naturally. I pass it to Who.
Manager: Naturally

Analyst: I pass the ID to Who. Who passes it to What. What passes it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know passes it back to Tomorrow. Process termination! Another user logs on and downloads a huge file to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Manager: What?
Analyst: I said, I don't give a darn!
Manager: Oh, that's our domain controller

Doctor Lee Ratzan is a frequent contributor of computer humor and computer mysteries. He is employed as a systems analyst at a health care agency in New Jersey and teaches at the School of Communication, Information and Library Studies of Rutgers University. His e-mail address is [email protected]