You've Been Hacked!

5) You can now monitor the Homeland Security guy who's monitoring you

4) A customer calls to say how cool it is that you'vput Blade Trinity, World of Warcraft and Half-Life 2 source code on your ftp site

3) Your site lists the company president as "Mr. PoopyPantz"

2) There's a bill in everyone's inbox for "system maintenance" from a 14-year-old Dutch kid named Pieter1) Your new default homepage is www.nwc.com

Special thanks to Alex Collins, Steven Grafing, Tim Hergert, Phil Horney, Jim Bob Howard, Mark Jass, Jim Kiley, Gregory Mamayek, Brian Miller, Benjamin Vogel and Doug Whitaker. See a special script-kiddy selection of submissions.

Think Val Kilmer and Anthony Edwards have a corner on the high-tech hijinks market? Think again. Think MIT. Those wacky astrophysicists and mathematicians have been busy, creating legendary exploits such as the Phantom Vannevar Shrubbery Room, the Disappearing President's Office and the Wright Flyer perched atop the Great Dome.

You can find a complete compendium of geek hacks here.

Jealous, outraged? As the FAQ explains:"Q: Don't the students have anything better to do?

"A: Yes and no. Studying under the high-pressure conditions at MIT means students need creative outlets. Engaging in humorous and sometimes challenging pranks seems to be one such outlet."

Nothing an atomic wedgie won't cure.

Error beyond youYour tempfile cannot create

The moon sets coldly

Are you tired of whiny users getting the better of you? Do you feel a strange sense of elation talking technical gibberish? Boy, have we got a contest for you! Enter our first annual (assuming we do this next year) Haiku Technical Support Competition. Send us a haiku that answers a silly user question, and our highly skilled poetry judges will either stomp on your creative psyche or propel you to stardom by posting the best submissions in print and online. You'll also get a groovy Network Computing piece of swag if you place in the top three. Good luck!

LOLHave a IT-related Chuckle you want to share? Spotted some strange tech? Want to contribute to the latest Top 11 List? Drop on by the Last Mile Repository!

Steven Grafing
Your home page now displays the lyrics to "Break Stuff" by Limp Bizkit.

System response time has suddenly improved in spite of the 137,000 outbound emails in the queue.

The inflammatory email sent from the CIOs account firing everyone contains better-than-usual grammar and has been spellchecked for a change.

The web server crashes right about the same time the new guy asks if "wachtwoord" seems "strong enough".Accounts payable asks who "Peiter from I.T." is and if he was supposed to be given the password over the phone.

Your security budget gets approved (Remember? It's the one from 2002 that made the boss giggle).

The order entry web site has been replaced with "I'm Rick James, B*tch" in hex.

Your boss asks if you still have a copy of the D.R. proposal you submitted in '01.

The servers have been indexed, bandwidth has been optimized, and there's a bill in everyone's inbox for "system maintenance" from a 14-year-old Dutch kid named Peiter.You didn't get your morning call from the CIO's admin assistant requesting a password change.

The admin password has been reset to null and your paychecks reflect a realistic cost of living increase.

Your security team asks you to resend your presentation on how to properly secure your network.

Your entire Active Directory structure now has just two OUs: owned and 3lit3 (and one of them is empty).

404 Error~lord lazor wuz here~Why would I check for hackers? It seriously cuts into my Half Life 2 time...

Your CSO's business cards no longer say "3lit3 sysghod".

Your home grown financial management system is the top download on freewarez.ru.

It's never been easier to help the Rhodesian Finance Minister, the esteemed- hey, wait a second!

It's never been easier to help the Ugandan Finance Minister, the esteemed Boote' J. Potswala, free up those pesky seized funds.It's never been easier to help the Nigerian Finance Minister, the esteemed M'Fubu J. Smith, free up those pesky seized funds.

The good news: Your SAN has been optimized. The bad news: p0rn, p0rn, p0rn.

"IF %username%=administrator THEN goto FUBAR"

The first line of the global login sctrpt reads "REM Hilarity ensues..."

Your company's intranet home page has been replaced by a picture of Hello Kitty in go-go boots.Ha! Only the sloppy ones leave evidence...

Uptime stats for the month are at an all time high.

John Patrick
Your firewall finally works properly.

Derryl Steib

you find a perfect copy of the Mona Lisa on your X-A-Sketch.

Lance Dodd
[email protected] wanring replaced By

 ***************************Gr33Tz From D4 L33t CreW***************************

Christopher D. Buzby
Your Server has a Microsoft Inside sticker on it

Peter Stock
No matter what you type, the only thing that shows up on your monitor is "U R 0wn3d."

Damian Yost
There's a very large keystroke logger that stands behind you, and he still has his axe.(picture of a lumberjack standing behind user writing everything down)

Andy Bach
You know, of course, your 'home computer for 2004' is actually a mock-up of a nuclear sub (which explains the steering wheel)

Andrew Lerner
All users' login scripts initiate sol.exe.Jim Bob Howard
You can now monitor the Homeland Security guy who's monitoring you.

Wolf Wiedemann
[email protected]• All the text on your screen now reads from right to left.
• Running the latest version of Spybot takes four hours to complete, but "finds nothing".

• Your mouse pointer changes locations while you're not looking.
• Your "soothing Microsoft sound" has been replaces by a selection from Nirvana.
• Your desktop background has been replaced by a picture of you stealing office supplies.
• The default Word template is a TPS Report.
• Your default font in IE has been changed to Cyrillic.

Sanjay Mendis
Open your PDA in the morning wish your wife happy birthday when it is your mistresses!

Lance Dodd
all corparate internet kiosks read "4ll You pages belong 2 uz"

Pat Dickinson
You know you've been hacked when you get calls about your web page - It shows a man with a sack over his head, a noose around his neck and he his seated on a chair. At the bottom of the page it states - You have been hacked by the black sheep.Tony Chan
You came back from lunch and your screen monitor says ... "The Matrix has you. Follow the white rabbit."

bob Kokinda
Your '05 budget requests were approved and uncut - without the usual begging, borrowing or stealing from others.....

Bob Kokinda
Your budget requests for '05 have approved - unchanged & uncut!!

matt land

Marquee screensaver scrolls "All your base are belong to us"

gregory mamayek
~ What website?
~ You receive a bill for merchandise you didn't order. The merchandise was sent abroad.

~ Your eChecking account is emptier than your pockets.

~ Not only did they take all your $, but you're supposively on vacation in Pelau while sitting in your skivvies on the couch.

~ You find out your website is down because the hackers snail-mail you via UPS. Talk about brown ... ****

~ Your PC plays Rod Zombie by itself. Scary?!
~ You check your history folder, & the hackers visited more interesting websites than you.

~ It was your mom who hacked you. She left a sticky note on your PC stating, "See me!"

~ Your little brother broke into your PC via his Nintendo that has Linux installed. Now who feels like DonkeyDong.

~ The hackers left notes on how to secure your server. Worse, you follow them.

~ The hacker named Bubba chats with you via IM, & wants to help you close your backdoor. "meeT mE aT thE corneR oF 9tH & prisoN sT." GULP?!Nick Nielsen
Your new home page is "www.hackerzgavemethe.biz"
You find yourself receiving email as "[email protected]"

Michael Shields
Screen saver comes on with haha and you can hear laughing comming out of the speakers.

Bob Vandenberg
DOS attack on your machine is where they your OS with DOS 6.22

David G. Miller
e-mail stops working because your spam filter has blocked your mail server.

Alex Collins
Your Windows operating system suddenly passes all vulnerability audits!Phil Horney
[email protected] servers go down, and when you check, they're all on everyone's favorite screen - "Operating System Not Found. Press any key to continue..."
Your web server now serves porn, and we're not talking the good porn.
Every machine in the network neighborhood is named, "All Your Base Are Blong To Us!"
Active Directory reports the error, that it is, "Unable to connect. All Your Base Are Belong To Someone Else."

"Hey, does the network seem slow to you?"
"Uh, a customer just called and mentioned how cool it was that we put Blade Trinity, World of Warcraft, and the Half-Life 2 source code up on our FTP site."
"All right, which one of you numbskulls created a root account named, 'h4X0r3D'?"

Tim Hergert
The resident "Marketroid" pops into your office and mentions that the website seems to be getting a lot of referrals from zone-h.org.

Chris Rule
You suddenly get inundated with orders for your cheap cialis, viagra and Rolex watches.

Anthony Wolfenden
Your broadband connection is full utilized - when you are not doing anything.You servers are full of the types of files you would never show your kids and only even showed your partner during the first few years you dated.

Jim Kiley

11. Your default windows sounds have been replaced with Star Trek blips. "Beam me up Scotty..."
10. Your mouse cursor is now the Linux penguin.
9. Your background is now a pic of Anna Kournikova.
8. Your new 350GB hard drive has less than 10MB of free space.
7. You check your running programs and find that you've been hosting a Counter-Strike server.
6. Your phone bill has charges on it from calls to Madagascar.
5. Attempting to run your anti-virus program now results in your cd-rom tray opening.
4. You have a charge on your credit card for www.PocketProtectors-R-us.com
3. Your Grandma's brownie recipe now includes 1/4 ounce of cannibis.

2. Your browser's homepage is now set to http://www.networkcomputing.com (couldn't resist)
1. The FBI shows up at your house and confiscates your computer.Kristopher Ting
Your Office Assistant has been changed to a penguin than constantly laughs at you.